The Making of Nervous Boy

It all started with a Craigslist post. Back at the time when Craigslist was one of the best places in the Bay to pick up other queers for casual sex and kink. When I was still a newish top, on my semi-annual visits to San Francisco, I would skim the ads in internet cafes looking for action.

A youngish trans guy posted about wanting to get drunk and find another trans guy who would top him and make him suck his cock. (This was a time when trans guys in the communities I moved in were just starting to be more open about desiring each other.) I responded to his post, saying I would be interested as long as we did not do the getting drunk part, named a time and the queer meeting spot I knew the best, and went there to meet him.

He never showed up. (Not much of a surprise as I think about it. The getting drunk part was probably pretty key for him.) So I sat there and wrote the first half of “Nervous Boy”. I imagined what he might be thinking, how he would be afraid of his own desire, and yet find release and pride in owning his faggotry. I wrote a cocksucking scene from the point of view of a top that would push him to admit what he wanted, that he was queer, and then give him exactly what he yearned for. It was the first story I wrote from the top’s POV.

The first half of this story is all about the bottom working through his ambivalence, and the top working through his own. I originally wrote it as if it ended there, in the alley, after the blowjob. But when I submitted it to an editor several years later, she pushed me to lengthen it. So I imagined the scene that might enfold after the alley. I set it at a public play party that was popular at that time, one of the first women and trans play parties I ever attended. I wanted the story to be specific to the time and place of it’s orgins, even though I was doing the revision later and that party no longer existed.

I began to write about the sort of play that I was really getting excited about when I wrote the first half of the story, what I thought of as pride play. Pride play is about bottoms pushing themselves to discover their strengths and tops facilitating that self-discovery. Back then I was just starting to rev up over rough body play as a lovely pathway for building and reinforcing pride.

By the time I was lengthening the story, rough body play and pride play in its many forms had become central to my play style and were my kink comfort zones. I was smarting from a challenging break up and feeling tender in my dominance. So it was particularly sweet to sink into my kink comfort place and write a scene that both these characters needed (and that I needed), one that deepened pride, and reminded me of the things I love about kink.

That’s how “Nervous Boy” was made. The editor who requested that I lengthen it included it in the collection Love At First Sting. That collection is on sale right now, $1.99 for the e-book.

Cleis Press has also put a number of other erotica stories on sale (all for $1.99 for the e-book), including two others that include my work.

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6 thoughts on “The Making of Nervous Boy

    • Jade,

      Thanks for your sweet comment. Glad to know that my back stories are a good read. These monthly Cleis sales definitely spark them!

      Xan

      Like

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