Kink Essays and Resources

I’ve collected my posts about BDSM that are available on the web in one handy place, so that you can more easily find them. Some solely focus on the practice of BDSM in life, while many pair up thoughts about doing kink with thoughts about writing kink fiction. For a collection of posts about topping in particular, try A Tops Point of View.

101-level

Rethinking Warmup: in which I discuss why I care about warm up and explore the potential of applying a dance warmup exercise to BDSM.
Aftercare: In Kink and Erotica: in which I discuss aftercare in my own life and how I need it as both a top and a bottom, and how I write aftercare into my kink erotica.
Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction: in which I discuss how safewords are one way to get to consent and not The One True Way, and offer a range of options for thinking about consent, and discuss consent and safewords in kink fiction.
Negotiating D/s Relationships: in which I describe different ways that D/s negotiation commonly occurs and give a fiction example to illustrate a particular approach to D/s negotiation.
The Spaces Between Desire and Action: in which I discuss the moment between naming desire/negotiation and committing to play/sex, and why I think its important to pause there.
Character Work: What Sparks Desire: in which I discuss figuring out what sparks desire, and how it can deepen your characterization in writing erotic fiction, giving specific examples. (This might be a good post to spark thinking about what gets you hot in play, so you can negotiate more effectively, which is why I include it on this list.)
When a BDSM Scene Ends Abruptly: in which I discuss abrupt endings to play, the impact they have, and ways to manage the aftermath of them. Gives concrete suggestions for aftercare.
The Tipping Point: in which I discuss the tipping point into D/s, how I navigated it as a novice switch and how I navigate it now as a dominant, and give a few recommendations for fiction depicting it.
The Alchemy of D/s (in which I discuss service-based submission and the way D/s can transform mundane events because of the dynamic and meaning we bring to them, and give an example of how that works in a story of mine)
On Planning a BDSM Scene: in which I discuss how I plan a BDSM scene as a top, and how that can apply to writing one in a story.
A Few Things I Wish I’d Known About Sex, Dating, & Kink: A Letter to My Younger Genderqueer Self. (It’s all in the title, really.)
A few resources on kink and chronic pain: a list of links to writing about doing kink with chronic pain.

301-level

I’m Not Just Doing It For You: in which I discuss the myth of the selfless top whose main role is to facilitate cathartic experiences for the bottom and has no needs of their own, and breaks down why I find this myth troubling.
One Sadists Consent: in which I discuss my own experiences and approach to consent, particularly as a top, and go into detail about the kind of consent I need to do edge play as a top.
Pain & Sadism: how they intertwine: in which I describe my experiences of chronic pain and the ways they connect to my sadism.
On disabled & chronically ill folks providing service in a D/s relationship: a storify of a Twitter conversation on the subject, where I discuss my perspective.

Specific Kinks

What I Love About Pinching: in which I discuss all the things I love about pinching, how I learned to play with clips, differences between power nuetral SM and SM that includes D/s, and my need to take breaks during play because of my disabilities, and how clips can be a great tool to use.
Memories of Wax: a description of wax play and my experiences of it, what I enjoy about it.
For the Love of Boots: a description of boot play, with a focus on boot licking and how its often misunderstood, and an excerpt from a boot licking scene.
Rough Body Play From the Inside: in which I describe my experiences with rough body play, and discuss a cathartic rough body play scene I did after leaving an abusive relationship.
On Doing, and Writing, Blood Sports: in which I describe my early experience with blood sports (at my first play party), what I love about blood sports, and share an excerpt from a blood sports story.
Liking It Rough (a post for International Fisting Day): in which I describe my love for fisting on the rougher side, and share an excerpt from a fisting story.

On BDSM Community and Culture

Being A Disabled Top in Kink Community: in which I discuss my experiences as a disabled top in kink community, the ableism inherent in the expectations of tops, and how I adapt my kink to my disabilities.
Valuing the dominants consent and needs in kink negotiation: I wrote about the impact of kink culture that doesn’t value dominant consent in negotiation, and a kink fiction story where I challenge this cultural norm.
Navigating Kink Life as a Disabled Butch: in which I share workshop materials from my workshop on the subject.
How We Talk About Play: in which I discuss the importance of mutuality in BDSM and how our language needs to reflect that.
I Talk A Lot, But Not About That: in which I talk about how tops may dominate conversations in kink community but they don’t generally talk in vulnerable ways about their needs, desires or experiences.
One Top’s Perspective On Talking Publicly About Kink Relationships and Exes: in which I wrote about my own choices around telling stories about my kink life and how they are impacted by the ways tops have privilege in kink culture.
A Story From IMsL: in which I describe an experience of ableism and consent violation at the International Ms. Leather contest.
On Knights, D/s and Service: in which I discuss D/s that intertwines with fantasies of knighthood and chivalry and why some folks might come to kink deeply invested in a concept of honor and share an excerpt from a submissive knight story.
The Importance of Context: A livejournal post on the ways context matters to me a great deal, and outside of the context of consensual BDSM, things that might be read as kink are read as violence.

Reviews, discussion, and lists of kink fiction

Representation of Novices in BDSM Erotica and Erotic Romance: a discussion of how novices are commonly portrayed and suggestions for more diverse representation, especially novice tops.
What Spoils It: Carelessness in BDSM: a discussion of why I dislike kink fiction that depicts characters being careless in their practice of BDSM
Describing Pain in BDSM Erotica: an exploration of the language we use to describe pain in BDSM erotic fiction and suggestions for doing it more effectively.
One Disabled Sadists Response to Risk Aware: a review of the book, that discusses the myth of the selfless top, RACK, consent, disabled folks doing kink, and mutuality in play.
On Sassafras Lowrey’s Roving Pack: a review of the book, that includes discussion of abusive BDSM relationships.
Kinky Erotica from the Tops Point of View: a discussion of how rare this is, and how it most often doesn’t depict vulnerable tops.
A Starter Pack of BDSM Romance: a list of BDSM romance that I found realistic, as these stories are difficult to find amongst the fantasy focused BDSM romance.
The Tipping Point: a discussion of the moment when a D/s dynamic crystallizes, what that has looked like at different points in my life, what it’s like to write that moment, fiction that spends time in that moment.
How much realism *should* be part of BDSM erotica?: a discussion of realism and why I find it important in kink erotica.
Where I Go for Edgy Erotica: a list of erotica that involves edge play.
Queer Daddy erotica stories with characters pushing their edges: a list that breaks down different kinds of Daddy erotica and gives suggestions for stories with psychological edge play.
Making My Kinky Erotica Accessible to Survivors: in which I discuss how and why I work to make my edge play erotica accessible to trauma survivors.
Dialogue with Oleander Plume About Trigger Warnings for Erotica: in which I discuss with another survivor erotica writer why we care about trigger warnings and what writing erotica means to us as survivors.
On Writing Daddy Porn: in which I talk about why I write Daddy porn, even though I have stopped doing Daddy play.
On Taboo Erotica: In which I define and explain what I mean by taboo erotica, give examples of different kinds, and talk about ways taboo erotica can be important to trauma survivors.
I break down Why I Care About Depicting Survivors of Abusive BDSM Continuing to Do Kink.