Valuing the dominants consent and needs in kink negotiation

(As a heads up, this post will discuss consent and negotiation in BDSM, and specifically focuses on D/s. It briefly references consen violations, abuse, and sexual assault)    “Building Something New” is a D/s focused story centering two trans queers who have been regular play partners for two years and are exploring taking their D/s […]

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

As a heads up, this post will discuss consent in BDSM at length and with nuance, and will reference an abusive BDSM relationship briefly, without giving details. A few words about safewords Some kinky folks absolutely believe that safewords are necessary across the board for everyone. Some believe that it might be different with experienced […]

#DailyCoping Strategies Round Up

I began a new project this week. Each day, on twitter, I do a series of tweets describing one of my coping strategies and talking about how it works, what it is esp useful for, where I learned about it. As storify is shutting down, I’m linking directly to the beginning of the threads. If […]

A Roundup of Things I’ve Written About Trauma and Abuse

So I thought I might do a roundup page of links to stuff I have written about trauma and abuse, especially since more people may be coming to my website looking for that content. A bit of background: I am a survivor of multiple different kinds of abuse and trauma. I have complex PTSD as […]

Discerning Emotional Abuse in Relationships

As a heads up, this post will discuss emotional abuse tactics in detail. I encourage you to take care of yourself as you engage with it. If you get triggered while reading this post, this emergency emotional safety plan may be useful in managing that. (It’s a downloadable PDF.) About nine months ago, partly in […]

In Support of the Practice of Discerning Abusive Dynamics and Behaviors

(As you can likely guess, I’m going to speak bluntly in this post about abusive behavior, which includes things like violence and oppression.) I’ve written before about how part of being trauma survivor, for me, is about diligently working to recognize abusive dynamics and behaviors: in others, in institutions, and in myself. In this post, […]

One Sadist’s Consent

My Consent-Seeking Approach I’m the kind of dominant that carefully negotiates the aspects of control we might play with. The kind of top that lays out a set of tools and asks you to examine and select from them. The kind of butch that asks, politely, if it is alright to flirt with you. My […]